Published September 29, 2009
Deciduous leaves burn like Nero’s wilting garland,
Your reckless trees bow down to my partly outstretched hand;
It’s neck deep, retraction; why retaliate?
It’s for your breath; promises they’d desecrate,
Rome returns from beneath the night’s sand,
You and me will survey the time of our lives so grand;
The gladiator thrives,
Rinsing each of our eyes,
Ours is the heart that tries.
Have my swords coerced those inside vines enough to satisfy?
Tracing lines of sweaty love down your neck; you deny
It’s lingering, elation; why fornicate?
It’s for your flames; promises you’d try to hate,
A past touch will give you a surprise,
You and me serenading Nero’s low high;
The nervous beast breathes,
Your trees swaying their leaves,
While your soul sits and grieves.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,754 Literary Works • 672,700 Reviews
Excellent use of writing however, the structure and actual meaning of the poem remain unclear. There are things to question such as ‘it’ and ‘your’ (who are they) which is not clear. It is a good use of pretty words though. Keep writing.
It seems to be surfaced and well looked. But the fact is with all constructiveness, you didn't really try. You on the facet this seems to be a fascinating piece of literature, however it's really just the attempt to look that way. With all the fancy punctuation here and there the use of a peculiar words. It's glaring to hear, but since it has no true poetic essence to it. Perhaps you are truly a great writer, but this doesn't prove anything to me at least maybe those are more gullible.
beautiful piece of work. you have a future in writing.
Hi there!
Yes, I think I agree in part with the previous review - it is not exactly clear as to what this poem is about. Any reference to the Roman emperor Nero, and the Great Fire of Rome?
Regardless, I am most impressed with your unusual structure. Stanzas with nine lines in are rarely seen. Whilst I would disagree with the previous reviewer that the rhymes seem forced, I would say that the poem lacks a certain flow when read, and this uneven rhythm produces an uncomfortable, slightly disjointed, feel.
Congratulations on the beautiful language though, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
Hey there, welcome to YWS!
I don't really understand what's going on here. I'm getting three different images of a forest scene, a colosseum and a pair of lovers. Unless it's inspired by a story of sort and I've completely missed the point of what Nero is.
"It's neck deep," - What's 'it'?
I like it anyway. The imagery you've used is beautiful. A few of the rhymes seem forced and off beat, but that's something you'll get the hang of over time.
That's all I have to say really. Nice work. Feel free to pm me if you've got any questions or comments about my review.